It's taken a while, and I'm still not quite used to it, but the fact is: I have an effect on men.
I mean this without being arrogant or braggy, but with honesty; from simple responses and behaviors that I have observed.
I don't mean that I walk into a bar and heads swivel, or that I cause traffic accidents. That's left for movies and plastic surgery. No, I mean once a guy starts talking to me, 90% of the time I seem to leave a serious impression on him. I think it all kind of goes back to my abundance of beginner's luck (bulls-eye my first time shooting an arrow, next shot didn't even hit the target) and my ability to listen.
Yes, I talk a lot, but I listen to. And in the words of Dane Cook, "I don't just listen, I LISTEN"
I respond. I ask questions. I give answers, or at least offer a possible path. I don't judge and draw from only my own experiences so I have some authority on the subject.
BUT... not every guy who finds me interesting is interesting to me in turn. And this is the bad part, because when I find I'm no longer interested, I pretty much shut down as far as that person is concerned. I let them fade into the backround of my dating past (because I have other priorities) pretty much through halting of all communication and hope they get the message.
This is not news.
I don't mean to leave people in limbo, I just suck at communication when I or the other person is uncomfortably emotional. In my head, it's easier for everyone involved if I just let go.
I guess although I am very mature in some ways, in others I am just becoming an adult. One of my personal definitions of being an adult is the ability to see outside the universe of you on a regular basis. And I guess if I'm going to keep dating around, I need to be able to see outside of myself and step up to the plate rejecting these guys, or stop sending signals in the first place. I'm a flirt, and I know it. It's fun and, for me, harmless.
But I need to take some responsibility, for my actions and the feelings of others when it comes to, well, me. I need be upfront and tell the truth. And I guess I'll start now, since it is Christmas eve, and according to Love Actually, on Christmas you tell the truth.
No one wants to be the Jew who stole your sanity on Christmas. Not even me.
Friday, December 25, 2009
Saturday, December 19, 2009
The Ripple Effect
So today was the day I was supposed to be flying home to Miami for the first time since May. Was going to see Stef tonight, Nikki and Luke tomorrow, Maria and Em monday, and whoever else after. I was going to fly home tonight and have one night of Chanuka with my family- a day late by the way- and watch their faces as they opened my presents. A family night, in my childhood home, with the weather a good 50 degrees above NYC.
But, alas motherfucking alas.
No sooner did I give my official goodbye (changing my status on facebook of course) then I found out my flight was cancelled because of the huge blizzard that has taken over the northeast for the next 15 hours. I got back from the airport about 10 minutes ago, it has just now started to snow, and I don't think it's going to stop for a very very long time. And the kicker: I was supposed to leave yesterday, but I delayed leaving for one day because of a possible callback that I didn't even get. Go figure.
As I watch the little, cute, almost fuzzy flurries of snow, individually they look so benign. So innocent and gentle, blown away with the smallest puff of wind and melting as soon as they hit your tongue. And as I watch there are more and more and more of them, they never hit the ground hard, but layer upon gentle layer, they are the one thing besides and alien or terrorist attack that can stop this most bustling of cities. It won't last long, but by morning this city will be calm and quiet, under a spell and transformed into a sleeping Disney princess of your choice.
Although it snowed a few weeks ago for about 5 minutes, this is the first official, stick-to-the-sidewalk snow of the year. And every year the first snow makes me think back onto my FIRST first NY snow. Just like these small snowflakes shut down life as we know it, at least for a day or so, the event that I connect with that long-ago snow has had such an effect on my life. It was one of those moments that made me who I am today. If everything that night had not happened exactly as it did, I would be a different person. That was planned, this new snow is unwelcome, but they both have the same effect. Something small radiating outward to become huge.
I guess there is no real point to this blog, except that no matter how welcome or unexpected, everything happens for a reason. You might not know what it is now, and you might never, but be assured that it does. I'll get home on monday, I'll still have my chanuka, and I'll still have my family and friends.
And tonight, I think the universe wanted me to make a snow angel. I'd better get to it.
But, alas motherfucking alas.
No sooner did I give my official goodbye (changing my status on facebook of course) then I found out my flight was cancelled because of the huge blizzard that has taken over the northeast for the next 15 hours. I got back from the airport about 10 minutes ago, it has just now started to snow, and I don't think it's going to stop for a very very long time. And the kicker: I was supposed to leave yesterday, but I delayed leaving for one day because of a possible callback that I didn't even get. Go figure.
As I watch the little, cute, almost fuzzy flurries of snow, individually they look so benign. So innocent and gentle, blown away with the smallest puff of wind and melting as soon as they hit your tongue. And as I watch there are more and more and more of them, they never hit the ground hard, but layer upon gentle layer, they are the one thing besides and alien or terrorist attack that can stop this most bustling of cities. It won't last long, but by morning this city will be calm and quiet, under a spell and transformed into a sleeping Disney princess of your choice.
Although it snowed a few weeks ago for about 5 minutes, this is the first official, stick-to-the-sidewalk snow of the year. And every year the first snow makes me think back onto my FIRST first NY snow. Just like these small snowflakes shut down life as we know it, at least for a day or so, the event that I connect with that long-ago snow has had such an effect on my life. It was one of those moments that made me who I am today. If everything that night had not happened exactly as it did, I would be a different person. That was planned, this new snow is unwelcome, but they both have the same effect. Something small radiating outward to become huge.
I guess there is no real point to this blog, except that no matter how welcome or unexpected, everything happens for a reason. You might not know what it is now, and you might never, but be assured that it does. I'll get home on monday, I'll still have my chanuka, and I'll still have my family and friends.
And tonight, I think the universe wanted me to make a snow angel. I'd better get to it.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Give a Girl a Moment
Wow, it has officially been more than a month since I last wrote. I'm pretty sure no one cares, but I'm going to be more dedicated to this thing... NYR! (new years resolution)
So I was on a date today and realized that this person knew much more about me than I did about him. Not because I talked his ear off and didn't let him get a word in edgewise (I really didn't, I swear) not because he is intuitive, but because he googled my name and... my entire life came up.
I guess between blogspot, facebook, myspace, youtube, and the various other websites that we all now have made a part of our everyday life, the notion of privacy has changed drastically in the last 10 years. Although keeping secrets will always be a part of human nature when face-to-face, people are now accustomed to sharing their innermost thoughts and experiences for millions of people to watch, read, and above all: judge.
Let's face it people: the internet might have started out for porn, but it ended up being the most convenient and anonymous tool for passing judgement on others. With the simple click of the mouse, you can insult someone's life choices halfway across the globe.
The internet. A thing of beauty if not a joy forever.
Back to this date, it had never even occured to me that a complete stranger could know that much about me as long as they had my full name. I guess because I never gave it much thought, I forgot that, unless otherwise specified, myspace profiles are available to anyone and everyone, and facebook profiles are available to anyone with a working facebook account. And by the way, anyone CAN get one, and probably already has.
The basis of looking someone up is to get an idea of them, or, to put it bluntly, judge them. Good for me that I happened to pass this particular round, but who's to say what others will think in the future? Possible lovers, friends, employers, all waiting to type, google, and pounce. The weird thing is, I never thought it was that bad that people would know who I am, because I don't feel like I have anything to hide. At least once I didn't. But as we grow older, we form more walls, we have a front, and it badly shakes us when someone gets a peek behind the wall that we did not authorize.
It's not that we weren't going to ever show them, but we wanted to do it in our own sweet time. Unfortunately the internet sped up that process to the nth degree, as is it's job.
Along with everything else, we as a species need to learn to adapt to our high-speed lifestyles that we have asked for and recieved. Although our brains can easily keep up with the changing technology, our heart takes just a little bit longer.
So until it does, everyone, make sure you know what is out there for the world to know and what is protected, what people can see, and what they can't. In this beautifully dangerous world, we find people that we don't have to hide ourselves from, and that makes them feel special.
Let's keep it that way.
So I was on a date today and realized that this person knew much more about me than I did about him. Not because I talked his ear off and didn't let him get a word in edgewise (I really didn't, I swear) not because he is intuitive, but because he googled my name and... my entire life came up.
I guess between blogspot, facebook, myspace, youtube, and the various other websites that we all now have made a part of our everyday life, the notion of privacy has changed drastically in the last 10 years. Although keeping secrets will always be a part of human nature when face-to-face, people are now accustomed to sharing their innermost thoughts and experiences for millions of people to watch, read, and above all: judge.
Let's face it people: the internet might have started out for porn, but it ended up being the most convenient and anonymous tool for passing judgement on others. With the simple click of the mouse, you can insult someone's life choices halfway across the globe.
The internet. A thing of beauty if not a joy forever.
Back to this date, it had never even occured to me that a complete stranger could know that much about me as long as they had my full name. I guess because I never gave it much thought, I forgot that, unless otherwise specified, myspace profiles are available to anyone and everyone, and facebook profiles are available to anyone with a working facebook account. And by the way, anyone CAN get one, and probably already has.
The basis of looking someone up is to get an idea of them, or, to put it bluntly, judge them. Good for me that I happened to pass this particular round, but who's to say what others will think in the future? Possible lovers, friends, employers, all waiting to type, google, and pounce. The weird thing is, I never thought it was that bad that people would know who I am, because I don't feel like I have anything to hide. At least once I didn't. But as we grow older, we form more walls, we have a front, and it badly shakes us when someone gets a peek behind the wall that we did not authorize.
It's not that we weren't going to ever show them, but we wanted to do it in our own sweet time. Unfortunately the internet sped up that process to the nth degree, as is it's job.
Along with everything else, we as a species need to learn to adapt to our high-speed lifestyles that we have asked for and recieved. Although our brains can easily keep up with the changing technology, our heart takes just a little bit longer.
So until it does, everyone, make sure you know what is out there for the world to know and what is protected, what people can see, and what they can't. In this beautifully dangerous world, we find people that we don't have to hide ourselves from, and that makes them feel special.
Let's keep it that way.
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