A Dream is Mental Charity

I have a question for anyone out there: What, or whom, do you dream about most?

That is, if you remember your dreams at all.

No one really knows for sure what dreams are, or what they mean. If you're a realist, chances are you'll say that dreams are just the mind's dumpster, the leftovers of our thoughts and memories jumbled into nonsensical stories or images. If you're a psychology-minded person, you might say that dreams offer clues to who we are, our inner selves trying to gain recognition. If you're a 'spiritual' person, you might say that dreams are projections of what is to come, our mind trying to tell us of the future it sees for itself.

Or maybe, just maybe, your dreams are the thoughts you won't let yourself think during the day. You know what I'm talking about. Those thoughts that you need to snuff out to get through the day. The thoughts that never lead to anything good, and result in unfulfilled longing for a past or future that is never really going to happen, no matter what The Secret says.

There is one subject that my dreams can never quite shake. No matter what I suppress or ignore, no matter where else I focus my main attention, it keeps coming back. It used to pop up way more frequently, but nowadays, just when I think it's gone for good, BAM. Back, bitches.

And for some reason, I never realize that it's a dream while I'm in it. I mean, you would think that however improbable these dreams are, especially when connected with the same improbable subject, I would learn something. If I realized it was a dream, I could take it as far as I wanted. No consequences. I guess if you're an optimist, that is a dream's greatest potential.

So I'm going to be an optimist and say that maybe dreams are our minds way of giving us what we can't have. It's an odd sensation, waking up, realizing what you were dreaming, and trying to figure out if it actually happened. Of course, it didn't. But for that one second, it's possible that maybe... just maybe.... it did. And even though it wasn't real, a part of you is thankful that you got to feel what it was like. Thankful that you got one more moment, one more chance, one more kiss, one more soft word, one more triumph.

Because, let's face it: It's better than nothing.

How the Grinch Stole Your Heart

It's taken a while, and I'm still not quite used to it, but the fact is: I have an effect on men.

I mean this without being arrogant or braggy, but with honesty; from simple responses and behaviors that I have observed.

I don't mean that I walk into a bar and heads swivel, or that I cause traffic accidents. That's left for movies and plastic surgery. No, I mean once a guy starts talking to me, 90% of the time I seem to leave a serious impression on him. I think it all kind of goes back to my abundance of beginner's luck (bulls-eye my first time shooting an arrow, next shot didn't even hit the target) and my ability to listen.
Yes, I talk a lot, but I listen to. And in the words of Dane Cook, "I don't just listen, I LISTEN"

I respond. I ask questions. I give answers, or at least offer a possible path. I don't judge and draw from only my own experiences so I have some authority on the subject.

BUT... not every guy who finds me interesting is interesting to me in turn. And this is the bad part, because when I find I'm no longer interested, I pretty much shut down as far as that person is concerned. I let them fade into the backround of my dating past (because I have other priorities) pretty much through halting of all communication and hope they get the message.
This is not news.

I don't mean to leave people in limbo, I just suck at communication when I or the other person is uncomfortably emotional. In my head, it's easier for everyone involved if I just let go.

I guess although I am very mature in some ways, in others I am just becoming an adult. One of my personal definitions of being an adult is the ability to see outside the universe of you on a regular basis. And I guess if I'm going to keep dating around, I need to be able to see outside of myself and step up to the plate rejecting these guys, or stop sending signals in the first place. I'm a flirt, and I know it. It's fun and, for me, harmless.

But I need to take some responsibility, for my actions and the feelings of others when it comes to, well, me. I need be upfront and tell the truth. And I guess I'll start now, since it is Christmas eve, and according to Love Actually, on Christmas you tell the truth.

No one wants to be the Jew who stole your sanity on Christmas. Not even me.

The Ripple Effect

So today was the day I was supposed to be flying home to Miami for the first time since May. Was going to see Stef tonight, Nikki and Luke tomorrow, Maria and Em monday, and whoever else after. I was going to fly home tonight and have one night of Chanuka with my family- a day late by the way- and watch their faces as they opened my presents. A family night, in my childhood home, with the weather a good 50 degrees above NYC.

But, alas motherfucking alas.

No sooner did I give my official goodbye (changing my status on facebook of course) then I found out my flight was cancelled because of the huge blizzard that has taken over the northeast for the next 15 hours. I got back from the airport about 10 minutes ago, it has just now started to snow, and I don't think it's going to stop for a very very long time. And the kicker: I was supposed to leave yesterday, but I delayed leaving for one day because of a possible callback that I didn't even get. Go figure.

As I watch the little, cute, almost fuzzy flurries of snow, individually they look so benign. So innocent and gentle, blown away with the smallest puff of wind and melting as soon as they hit your tongue. And as I watch there are more and more and more of them, they never hit the ground hard, but layer upon gentle layer, they are the one thing besides and alien or terrorist attack that can stop this most bustling of cities. It won't last long, but by morning this city will be calm and quiet, under a spell and transformed into a sleeping Disney princess of your choice.

Although it snowed a few weeks ago for about 5 minutes, this is the first official, stick-to-the-sidewalk snow of the year. And every year the first snow makes me think back onto my FIRST first NY snow. Just like these small snowflakes shut down life as we know it, at least for a day or so, the event that I connect with that long-ago snow has had such an effect on my life. It was one of those moments that made me who I am today. If everything that night had not happened exactly as it did, I would be a different person. That was planned, this new snow is unwelcome, but they both have the same effect. Something small radiating outward to become huge.

I guess there is no real point to this blog, except that no matter how welcome or unexpected, everything happens for a reason. You might not know what it is now, and you might never, but be assured that it does. I'll get home on monday, I'll still have my chanuka, and I'll still have my family and friends.

And tonight, I think the universe wanted me to make a snow angel. I'd better get to it.

Give a Girl a Moment

Wow, it has officially been more than a month since I last wrote. I'm pretty sure no one cares, but I'm going to be more dedicated to this thing... NYR! (new years resolution)

So I was on a date today and realized that this person knew much more about me than I did about him. Not because I talked his ear off and didn't let him get a word in edgewise (I really didn't, I swear) not because he is intuitive, but because he googled my name and... my entire life came up.

I guess between blogspot, facebook, myspace, youtube, and the various other websites that we all now have made a part of our everyday life, the notion of privacy has changed drastically in the last 10 years. Although keeping secrets will always be a part of human nature when face-to-face, people are now accustomed to sharing their innermost thoughts and experiences for millions of people to watch, read, and above all: judge.
Let's face it people: the internet might have started out for porn, but it ended up being the most convenient and anonymous tool for passing judgement on others. With the simple click of the mouse, you can insult someone's life choices halfway across the globe.
The internet. A thing of beauty if not a joy forever.

Back to this date, it had never even occured to me that a complete stranger could know that much about me as long as they had my full name. I guess because I never gave it much thought, I forgot that, unless otherwise specified, myspace profiles are available to anyone and everyone, and facebook profiles are available to anyone with a working facebook account. And by the way, anyone CAN get one, and probably already has.

The basis of looking someone up is to get an idea of them, or, to put it bluntly, judge them. Good for me that I happened to pass this particular round, but who's to say what others will think in the future? Possible lovers, friends, employers, all waiting to type, google, and pounce. The weird thing is, I never thought it was that bad that people would know who I am, because I don't feel like I have anything to hide. At least once I didn't. But as we grow older, we form more walls, we have a front, and it badly shakes us when someone gets a peek behind the wall that we did not authorize.
It's not that we weren't going to ever show them, but we wanted to do it in our own sweet time. Unfortunately the internet sped up that process to the nth degree, as is it's job.

Along with everything else, we as a species need to learn to adapt to our high-speed lifestyles that we have asked for and recieved. Although our brains can easily keep up with the changing technology, our heart takes just a little bit longer.

So until it does, everyone, make sure you know what is out there for the world to know and what is protected, what people can see, and what they can't. In this beautifully dangerous world, we find people that we don't have to hide ourselves from, and that makes them feel special.

Let's keep it that way.

Give it Out, It Comes Back

I woke up this morning (ok afternoon, give me a break) to a grey, rainy, blustery day. Outside my window, trees are barely holding on to their last few brown, brittle leaves, damp debris is swirling down the street, and everyone is covered in dark clothing, bent over against the elements. Inside my apartment, it's an endless mess from my move-in and the doorknob has fallen out of my door. There's really no immediate reason or inspiration for joy or giddiness; no reason for a lifting of the spirits at all and yet...

I woke up with a smile on my face.

Ok, maybe it was because of the adorable dog wriggling on my pillow and the prospect of a perfectly toasted bagel, but I was also smiling when I came home last night. And I think it's all for the same reason I'm seriously considering going to a volunteer program in Africa for a couple of months after graduation.
Yesterday was not about me.

I went to lunch with a friend from LA who is starting to have a lot of success in the acting world; who, like many other people I know, did not discover acting until a relatively short time ago. I was so happy for his success, and we spent quite a while talking about how to work out a character's psychology, and why it is so important.
I have thought these things out over and over again through the years, but sharing what I've learned helps bring new life to it. Not to mention getting to watch the "lightbulb ON" moment cross someone's face in response to some advice you happened to give. It kind of makes all the shit you go through worth it, if you can take what you've learned from all that and help someone else. It's why I do theatre.

But moving on, later I spent an evening with a friend who needed distracting from a family situation. We drowned our sorrows in the most amazing organic baked goods (try the pretzel croissant from the green bakery on Ave A, it's to die for) and people watching in the LES.
My roomate also happened to be performing some of her original songs in a little bar as part of the Folk Yeah! music show. So, excited at the prospect of free music and pizza with cheap beer, we went and supported original artists. And then, just for kicks, I gave a free waltz lesson.

Now, I will not for a moment say that all this was entirely unselfish. I had so much fun, and now have a new favorite song stuck in my head, but the intention was truly to help and support other people. The fact that it came back to me and gave me the warm fuzzies was a happy by-product.

So, this weekend, instead of moping around feeling isolated because I'm no longer in the showcase, I'm going to make a picture slideshow that everyone can have for years to come. I am still a part of this class, and will contribute something. And I know it will take a while, but it will stand out for even longer.

Karma can be a bitch, but not always. It can be your best friend.

Check out Lonna Marie at http://www.youtube.com/user/LonnaMarie
Become a fan on facebook, etc. She's awesome. Seriously. She won an award and everything.
My favorite song is I Love the Enemy.

I'll B There 4 U

Ok ok, normally I would rather clean up an elephant cage than use such bad spelling and abbreviations, but if that Friends theme song had been written in the last 8 years, you know that is how they would have spelled it. For some reason, it is now acceptable to settle for less when it comes to song lyrics and titles (just look at the top 10 at any given time and you will know exactly what I am talking about, the whatchas and gottas and using number for words is enough to make any lover of the English language cringe). But the sad thing is, lately, I have been getting the feeling that it is acceptable to settle for less when it comes to friendship as well.

Of course, deceit has been the code of the upper class and petty since the days of Elizabeth, from Anne Boleyn all the way to Serena Van Der Woodsen. That's what makes them so fascinating. the endless scandals and betrayals these girls allow themselves to get into is exciting and makes us feel a little superior, that we would NEVER do this to our friends.

But sometimes, even more detrimental than a huge betrayal, it's the little things.

Just as in any relationship, the little things remind the other person they matter to you are usually a big indicator of the overall commitment. With friends, it's a little harder, because friendship doesn't usually end in a clean break-up, it fades out because friends forget to do these things, especially when living far away.
I have been lucky. Because of this age we live in, I have been able to stay in contact with the people from high school that have really mattered to me. We almost never see each other, but we call and send texts and facebook thingies, and we remind each other that we are there.

Friends I've made since then have been a little different.
I'm graduating in 2 weeks, and have serious doubts that I will stay in contact with more than 3 or 4 people for the first year out, maybe even none once a year has passed. New York is an easy place to feel isolated and lonely in, and every person needs a circle of people they trust. I know I have difficulties reaching out in times of need, but it's easy to text someone if you're going out with a big group, or to just let someone know you're there, or to show up to a party you're invited to. My so-called "best friend" hasn't even bothered to talk to me for 2 weeks now, and chances are we won't speak till graduation, and then never again.

I think this is why it's easier to open up to a relative stranger than friends. Maybe it is the anonymity of it, but there is also the hope that this person could be a true friend, that will be there, that you can be there for, that will help you grow as a human being, that will just shut up and listen without judgement.

Because, when you get right down to it, that's really what we all want.

Don't forget your friends. Don't let them slip by the wayside. If you feel something is wrong, reach out.

Like anything else, it's the little things.

The Doors go Open and Shut

Tonight is opening night for Trojan Women. Last night was dress rehearsal, it went relatively well, but the major note from our director was that we had let the play become safe. The energy was at about 80%, and we had to stay after the run to go over a couple of scenes and make sure we remembered the stakes and make them dangerous again.

How odd that the both my life and the play were in a safe place. And just like our director made us shake up the play, my demons shook up the safe place I had reached at school.

I won't bore you here, but long story short, I retreated into my shell again, and now the showcase is at risk. I shut my door to the world, and by the time I opened it up again, my future is once again in jeopardy.

I screw things up like Forrest Gump meets presidents.

I used to love looking in the mirror. Not necessarily out of vanity, but just because it was fun, it was another person for me to interact with (keep in mind I was 5 at the time). It got to the point where in class the teacher would need to turn the mirror towards the wall so I would pay attention.
I still look in the mirror, but the joy has gone out of it. I look in the mirror to judge and criticize, and where I once recognized myself as a friend I now see an enemy.

I am a series of contradictions. And no, I am not quoting some cliche facebook bumper sticker, it is true. I crave human contact, but shut people out. I love theatre, but keep screwing up my chances to be succesful. I am a control freak, but my room is a mess. I want to change, but I fall into patterns.

Tonight is opening night. And tonight I will find out whether I am going to get away with the latest Rachel-esque-capade. Tonight I must find a way to open my heart to a play, even though I have closed it to others. And tonight I would just like to say again...

I'm sorry.