Bipolar Spotlight

Everyone has something about themselves that they don't like admitting to. Something that is a part of who they are that they try to fight at all costs, but in weak moments, it rears its ugly head. Something that you only ever hear deep in your own subconscious, or when the person closest to you is furious and knows just which button to press.

For me, and to some extent for all actresses I truly believe, that quality is... ugh I can't say this publicly.... damn it... ok... ok..... one, two..... two and a half...

I LOVE ATTENTION!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There. I said it out loud. Or, wrote it out loud.

I do, Lord help me. I have loved attention ever since I was a little girl and after singing Itsy Bitsy Spider I would applaud FOR MYSELF. In fact, I have only recently forgiven my little sister for being born and taking some of my parents attention away from me (God forbid).

The reason I don't necessarily like this quality about myself is, in my mind at least, there is an inescapable parallel between liking attention and being selfish. I know we can't all be Mother Teresa, and that acting is inherently a selfish art (who am I, what am I trying to do, how am I feeling, yada yada yada), but the people I have looked up to most in this world, at least the ones I know personally, have had a distinctly unselfish quality.

I have made mistakes in the past and have been incredibly selfish at times, but it is one of the many things I am actively trying to turn around.

I know none of us really want to be selfish. Who wants to be around someone who is constantly me me me? But, on the other hand, every person needs to know what is best for them, and when to draw the line and exhibit a little self-preservation and respect.

So where is that line when it comes to relationships?

In the last relationship I had, one of the big lessons I learned was to speak up and ask for what I want. I tiptoed around the other person too much and tried too hard to please him all the time, and it bit me in the ass, not to mention that I was miserable. So I promised myself in my next relationship I would attend to my needs as well as the other persons.

Today was a blizzard. And let me tell you, this was a doozy. A gazillion or so inches of snow, wind, slush, and general inconvenience. Not that I didn't love being outdoors in it, but that's besides the point.

I was supposed to have my man over for some keeping warm in the storm time, but because of weather and work, he had to go home. Not his fault, I'm aware, and maybe this is only because I'm slightly jealous that he has a real job, but when he broke the news I got pretty pissy.

You wouldn't think Queens and Brooklyn would feel so far away, but when you rely on the public transportation system, that's the Manhattan version of a long distance relationship.

As soon as I got pissy I felt selfish, childish, and like I was becoming the worst part of myself. I don't want to tie into the cliche of "Actresses are always high-maintenance to date, they need plenty of attention and compliments, you must cater to their needs, and for heavens sake watch out for those mood swings!"

I don't want to be that girl. And I think most of the time I am successful. But I'm having trouble finding that compromise. And this is not the issue to pick at.

Tonight I will curl up alone, read my lines, and simply look forward to the next time I see him.

I'm making the decision for it to NOT be about me.

Spotlight out.