Workin Hard for ?

Hello hello! I've been gone for a while, but per Emily's request (I have a fan! Yipes!) I'm determined to blog about something....

Hm.

Well, new years was pretty recent. Shall I write yet another blog about how I'm determined to change, how to form my life into what I want it to be, how I'm just the MOST positive person ever and how I CAN do it!!!!????

Or at least something like that.

Based off the phrase "You can have anything you want, but not everything you want." I was recently asked what I would wish for in my life RIGHT NOW if I could have anything. I definitely had to think it over, or rather think carefully how to word it.
Unsurprisingly, it had nothing to do with my personal life. That usually takes care of itself sooner or later; and anyway it never happens when you're looking for it. Waste of a wish, if you ask me.
Somewhat surprisingly, it had nothing to do with my state of mind either. I know my mind has gone a bit twisty and dark in the past, but I know my patterns well enough by now to catch it before it really starts going to the bad place where dead baby jokes make me cry instead of laugh.

Probably similar to most NY women, my wish was for my professional life. It is not an unreachable goal, and it doesn't even seem to be incredibly difficult when you just say it out loud:

I wish I could earn a living, modest or not, solely off of acting.

But saying and doing, my little darlings, are two very different things.

I know every profession has some sort of ladder you must pay your dues at and claw your way to the top of. Unless you have some amazing luck or connections, (in which case go fuck yourself, you know you don't deserve it) it is expected and necessary. You put up with crap, you learn a lot, you take a step up, you put up with more but slightly different crap, you learn more, you take another step, yada yada yada. That's how it works. I know that.
But man, sometimes it seems like that first crappy step goes on for a little too long.

If I count doing commercials as a kid, I have been acting for somewhere around 15 years.
I'll repeat that. 15 years. More than half my life.
Shouldn't that be worth something?

I know, we don't act because we want to be rich. We do it because we feel a need to; because something in our soul yearns for expression and cannot achieve it any other way; because we have serious mental issues, whatever. And all of that is true.
But we shouldn't be chastised for wanting to be paid for what we've been trained to do. There are few things in this world that are more satisfying than someone thinking you're so good at what you love most in the world that they will actually PAY you to do it.

Don't get me wrong, I don't mind doing free theatre and film. I love it. I love getting to work with new scripts, to reinvent a well known character, to bring beautiful language and stories to tens and tens (not a typo) of people at a time. And I know I didn't study Shakespeare, movement, and stage combat to talk about how Vagisil makes me feel just SO comfortable.
But a few years ago, when I booked that commercial, I couldn't remember the last time I had felt so, well, validated.

I'd really really like to feel that again. Also, if my grandfather tells me he wants to see my name in lights before he dies one more time, I'm probably going to have a seizure and bite my own tongue off.

So I'm going to do what I have to. I'm not a pushy person, but I will be pushy and relentless if I have to be. I'm not a fearless person, but I will not let fear get in the way. I'm sometimes clueless, but I'll figure out a way.

Because even if my wish did somehow come true through magic... it would feel so much better if I did it myself.