The Vader Within

Dr. Jekyll, Lord Vader, and Pink Floyd. Three seemingly unrelated subjects (besides pure awesomeness and being veritable legends in their own right), and yet, all associated with one running theme: The Dark Side.

Much of Eastern culture and philosophy is based on the principle of balance between extremes. Yin and Yang. Sun and moon. Feminine and masculine.
Dark and light.

I am a big believer in balance. I know, I know, I'm an artist and artists are supposed to live life to the extreme, big emotions, constantly pushing limits, blah dee blah. Does that make an interesting life? Yes, of course. Does it make a happy life? Eh. It's tiring after a while to be constantly going from one extreme to another. Unless you're Robin Williams. And even he needed surgery eventually.

Just like everyone else, I have a dark and light side. My light side is probably the one that people know me by. I can't help it, I naturally have a pretty sunny and outgoing personality. Almost every time I've heard someone describe me, inevitably the word 'bubbly' is one of the first out of their mouths. And that's fine. There are worse things to be than happy.
But every once in a while, unexpectedly, the dark side pops out and... I have to admit that I like it.

For those of you who are scoffing, who don't believe that I have a dark and twisted side, I'll just give you these few examples:
One of my favorite hobbies is researching serial killers.
When I first saw Requiem for A Dream I made myself watch it once a month for a year.
My most recent role was a girl who fantasized about gutting her boyfriend while masturbating. (The director said she knew I was perfect for it right away)
I've always wondered how I would stand up to torture. Very specific torture.

I used to be freaked out and scared by my dark side. At first because I didn't understand it, and then because I let it get out of balance until I couldn't see anything else. I now treasure my dark side; it provides the balance I need for how I am 90% of the time.

Now, for those of you who don't know, I have a certain special boy in my life right now. He's pretty awesome, whatever, but the reason I bring him up is that he has seen part of my dark side and not only accepts it, but understands it. Like, isn't scared by it.
At least, he wasn't until a couple nights ago.

I admit, I let it go too far. When you get two actors together, and then let the fantasy world take over, it can get intense. That's as much as I'll say about what happened, but suffice to say it shook us both up.

However, I got over it a little quicker than he did.

My dark side is my friend. I understand it, and I understand how to handle it. I have learned that it is a part of me, that it is something I should embrace and not be scared of.
But that is not the case for everyone.

Some people never address their dark side. My mother is the sanest person I have ever known. I know somewhere, she must have a dark side, and I've always wondered what I would find there if I ever asked, and if she ever felt comfortable enough to tell me. But part of me suspects that she doesn't even know what her dark side entails. And I guess that must be true for many many people.

I have learned to deal with my dark side in a way that does not harm myself or others. I think it one of the more interesting things about me. The reason I'm so OK with it is that I know my dark side does not define me. It is only part of who I am as a person.
And who I am as a whole is a pretty awesome gal.

Explore your dark side. It does not define you. But it may give you insight. Just a thought.