Servant of Too Many Masters

Well looky here, the holiday season rears its ugly head once more! It's that time of year when I can't decide whether Xmas music or Katy Perry is more irritating... and then I remember that every time I hear a classic Xmas song, a Jew somewhere makes money, and Katy Perry wins. It is indeed a wonderful life.

Anyone in the restaurant business (especially in NYC) can tell you that December is the biggest and busiest time of the year. People are visiting family, or taking a trip, or are too tired from a day of shopping to go home and cook. For those places that are open during the day, there is nothing people want to do more in the middle of a freezing day of shopping than sit down somewhere warm and have goodies served to them.
It's great in terms of money for those of us in the service industry, but sometimes in the hectic scramble to get everyone what they need, some weird stuff comes spazzing out, and some customers are not as forgiving as you'd think they would be.

Although I look forward to the time when I can drop it like a bad habit, being a server is a good day job for me personally. It has a flexible schedule, it lets me learn more about food and drinks, and I get to talk to people all day. My current job in particular is the best server position I've ever had, just because the people my company hires are all incredibly nice and willing to put up with and even laugh at my idiotic dances, dirty jokes, and constant singing to myself.
There are a lot of things you learn being a server. I am determined that, whether they like it or not, all my future children will work in a restaurant for at least a few months. They will learn to multitask, keep a cool head under pressure, and most importantly, they will NEVER EVER mistreat people in the service industry.
Whether in a restaurant, a hotel, or on the phone, this is a thankless and tiring profession, especially for employees paid in tips. At least with an hourly wage, you know you're getting paid to listen to people gripe. There's not a lot worse than trying to keep a happy face when you know that after spending 90 minutes trying to make a table happy, they gave you 3 bucks for your trouble because their water glasses were not refilled enough.

For those of you who have never had to work a job like this, let me give you a few pointers on how A: not to be an ungrateful, rude asshole to people who are trying to help you out and earn a living and B: not be served the oldie-but-goodie loogie/snot sandwich.

Rule #1: Answer the question your server asks you. I can't count how many times I have gone up to a table for the first time, asked "Hi, how are you today?" and had the response be "Um, we're not ready to order" or "I'll take a Diet Coke." As your server and an employee of my restaurant, I'm not only trying to stuff you with as much food as I can sell, but I'm trying to give you a positive overall experience. If I come to you inquiring about your personal well-being, and you immediately order me to get you something, this tells me you don't see me as a person, but as your personal robot servant. In other words, I already hate you.

Rule #2: READ THE MENU. I honestly can't stress this enough. Yes, I have a detailed knowledge of what we serve, but no, I can't recite every item for you because you are too lazy to run your eyes across a page. At my restaurant in particular, we have over 150 different teas. We have so many, in fact, that we have a specific and separate tea menu with descriptions of every one of them. Despite this, I continually have people ask me "So, what teas do you have?" This is my signal to treat you like you are 5 years old, take the tea menu, open it in front of you and explain that they are all listed right fucking there.
This also includes ordering things we don't have. Don't order a muffin or a bagel without looking to see if we have it, then get irritated with me because we can't snap our fingers and make it appear in the kitchen just for you.

Rule #3: If you need additional items with your meal ask for them all at the same time. Nothing wastes my time more than having to make 4 trips to and from the kitchen because you want ketchup, mustard, more napkins, butter, and another fork, but decide to tell them to me one at a time, after I fetch each thing for you. I'm not a dog, and this game is not fun for me.

Rule #4: I am NOT your babysitter. I understand that occasionally you have to let your small child go with you somewhere other than home or school, but that means they are YOUR responsibility. Make sure your child stays in their seat, or they will wander out on the floor and will be run over faster than a tortoise on the Indy 500 track. It is not my job to sheepdog your loud, sticky flock because YOU made the choice to bring them out.
Sidenote: Although I am not in a place to judge because I am not a parent, if it's just you and your kid having a meal, try to actually talk to them and not spend an hour looking at your phone and shoving a crayon or iphone in their face whenever they try to say something.

Rule #5: Most important rule of all. A verbal tip is in no way a replacement for a monetary tip. Yes, if you are nice to me, I like talking to you. I like knowing I gave you a great meal. But I'm not here to hang out. I'm at my job. And unfortunately, whether or not I can buy groceries depends on you showing your appreciation by tipping me. Many a time I have had everything go perfectly with a table and have even been told specifically that my service was exceptional. Then I go to look at the tip and it's somewhere around 10-15%, and I consider you a lying dirtbag. Nowadays, a tip for good service should be 20%, and if you leave less than that, that tells me I did a shitty job.
I get paid $5.00 an hour, and because of taxes, I usually don't see any of that money. I live off my tips. I am not a charity worker. I'm working for you. If you think I went above and beyond, then pay an above and beyond tip. It's really insane how just 5 extra dollars really makes a huge difference between a shitty tip and a great one, and if you can't afford that extra 5, don't fucking go out to eat.

In general, just be nice, and remember your manners. Please remember that not only are we serving you, but usually anywhere from 2 to 30 other people at the same time. We're honestly trying hard to make sure you have a good time, and just treating us like people and not slaves helps us keep a smile on our face, and may even get you a free dessert. Oh yeah baby, you know we can hook it up for you... if we choose to.

So, now you know how to be a great restaurant patron. And just in case you were starting to feel indignant that it's not always the customer's fault, I will send you off with the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to me in front of a table. Yes, sometimes the server makes a mistake. Lucky for you, it is often hilarious. At least it usually is with me...

I had drinks in my hand for 2 different tables that were right next to each other. At one table was a family of four, and at the second table were two people who were practicing their English conversation skills. One was a large Russian looking guy who had a pretty good handle on the language, and the other was a meek Asian woman who spoke somewhat correctly, if hesitantly.
As I was pouring drinks for the first table, from behind me I hear the conversation the second table is having. I hear the Russian guys say "Well, I've never heard the term date rape before."
I then turn around and begin pouring drinks for the second table. As I'm pouring, I see the woman struggle to organize her thoughts enough to give a definition, but she's having a hard time putting it together. Me being me (talkative, friendly, and having very few boundaries) I begin to cheerfully explain, and give a couple examples of, date rape.
Now, just to set the scene, I work in a restaurant that is styled after a popular children's book. There are fairy wings on the walls, and when you come in, if you enjoy this sort of thing, you can get glitter sprinkled on your head while you make a wish. This place is as far away from date rape-y as it gets.
After letting me go on for about a minute, the guy looks up at me and very slowly says "Well, ok, but I said date mate."

Moment of silence while I processed this...

To recap: I had just given a full, detailed explanation, within earshot of a 12 year old child, of what date rape is. For absolutely NO REASON.

But, at least there was a happy ending. The guy saw how embarrassed I was, and when the check came, gave me a 50% tip.
See folks? You can tip on entertainment value too.

Anyway, I hope everyone has a safe, easy, and happy holiday.

And please, say thank you. You're welcome.