It's Opposite Decade

So I'm going to start this off by giving you a scenario, a very real scenario that repeated itself way too often throughout my childhood, and I want to know if this ever happened to anyone else.

Imagine you're sitting in your classroom, most likely elementary school. Let's say 4th grade. Life has not yet beaten you down. You inevitably have an "-ey" added to the end of your name. You still think D.A.R.E. is cool.
Ok, maybe not the last part. but you get it.
Basically, are at your desk ready for a full day of school. Or so you think...
After a normal morning of pledging allegiance and roll call, your teacher suddenly announces it's time for the big test.
Your heart stops dead in your chest. Your blood turns to ice. You suddenly have to pee really really bad. Your mind is devoid of every rational thought save one:
"WHAT TEST?????"

If you were anything like me as a child, items like tests and homework projects were always sneaking up on you, mostly because you spent most of class daydreaming, or reading, or doing some other way more important activity. This is all understandable, comprehensible, not a bit reprehensible, all defensible, whatever.
But for some reason I always seemed to bet the only one. In the entire class, I was the ONLY one who had not studied for the test, or brought in my field trip form on the last day, or written that paper that was assigned right before the bell rang, etc.

I always thought that maybe it's because I was on a different plane than everyone else. My parents and teacher used to call it Racheland. Once I was gone, man, was I gone. It usually took someone calling not only my first name, but my first and last together a number of times before I finally acknowledged them with a groggy "huh?".

I've gone through most of my adult life thinking that somehow, everyone was paying attention when all the life lessons on how to be a functioning adult were given out, except me. Or that the life how-to memo landed on everyone's desk, but because I was on a water break, they skipped giving me one. Whatever stupid metaphor I could come up with here, the result is the same:
I feel everyone knows how life goes except me.

However, I am starting to think that maybe it's not that I didn't get the memo, it's just that I was scheduled to receive it at some other time. It's not my life that is out of whack, just my schedule.

1st case in point: during the first two weeks of school, most of my time would be spent reading all the short stories and full novels (seldom poems) in my literature textbook for that year. Yeah, I was that kid. Not because I was obsessive, but because I loved reading, and couldn't wait to see what other stories were lying in wait for me. Plus, I would have all the required reading done for basically the whole year, and due to my ridiculously good memory (it has faded somewhat since then, but apparently when I was a kid my memory scores were off the charts) I would retain it for the whole year, and never worry about reading homework.

2nd case in point: I was absolutely, I'm sure, the last girl in my grade to be kissed, to grow boobs, basically every puberty milestone you can think of. I even had braces till the week before senior prom because I had to wait until high school to lose all my baby teeth. I was 15 when I had my first kiss. Summer before sophmore year. At camp. For a Jewish girl, where else?

These are two opposing examples that prove the same thing: I was way off the schedule that dominated the norm. And that was all before college.

To speak more currently but less specifically, I feel I have gone through much more emotionally than many other members of my age bracket. I have had more life experience, and I know it shows. Most people don't think I'm 23. Unless they catch me watching a Disney movie.
I feel like I got my midlife crisis over with in my early 20s.
On the other hand, I have never done my own taxes. I didn't even know what equity really was until like, a month ago. Not the most mature thing, I know.

And one odd example always stuck in my mind. When I first got to college, I was immediately wrapped up in the throes of my first truly serious relationship. (Moment of nostalgia for first love. Ok, done.) All my friends were dying to know how it was. And I had no problem sharing, and ending each romantic epithet with "You'll find it too someday!"
Fast forward a couple of years, and I was going through my first real heartbreak, the one where you learn that if you care enough, you can actually feel your heart physically hurting. And those same friends who I had giddily shared stories with were all entering their first big relationships.
And, of course, all dying to tell me how right I was.
For some reason, ever since then, with this same group of friends, my love life schedule has always been completely opposite to theirs. When I'm breaking up, they're getting hitched. When I'm getting hitched, they're breaking up. A short while ago, I got a new boy in my life, and I recently learned 2 of those friends broke up with their significant others of more than a couple years. These events happened basically weeks away from each other.

Spooooooky.

Strange as it may seem, taking this scheduling theory seriously is actually quite comforting to me. It doesn't mean that I'm never going to learn how life works, it just means that I'm gonna do it on my own time. True, I am writing a blog at 3 in the morning the night before an early day of work, but hey, I did get boobs eventually. Who knows how I'll grow up next!

So if you share this feeling with me at all, don't despair. Although you may not be ready for the test today, you'll know the material when it really counts.

The Vader Within

Dr. Jekyll, Lord Vader, and Pink Floyd. Three seemingly unrelated subjects (besides pure awesomeness and being veritable legends in their own right), and yet, all associated with one running theme: The Dark Side.

Much of Eastern culture and philosophy is based on the principle of balance between extremes. Yin and Yang. Sun and moon. Feminine and masculine.
Dark and light.

I am a big believer in balance. I know, I know, I'm an artist and artists are supposed to live life to the extreme, big emotions, constantly pushing limits, blah dee blah. Does that make an interesting life? Yes, of course. Does it make a happy life? Eh. It's tiring after a while to be constantly going from one extreme to another. Unless you're Robin Williams. And even he needed surgery eventually.

Just like everyone else, I have a dark and light side. My light side is probably the one that people know me by. I can't help it, I naturally have a pretty sunny and outgoing personality. Almost every time I've heard someone describe me, inevitably the word 'bubbly' is one of the first out of their mouths. And that's fine. There are worse things to be than happy.
But every once in a while, unexpectedly, the dark side pops out and... I have to admit that I like it.

For those of you who are scoffing, who don't believe that I have a dark and twisted side, I'll just give you these few examples:
One of my favorite hobbies is researching serial killers.
When I first saw Requiem for A Dream I made myself watch it once a month for a year.
My most recent role was a girl who fantasized about gutting her boyfriend while masturbating. (The director said she knew I was perfect for it right away)
I've always wondered how I would stand up to torture. Very specific torture.

I used to be freaked out and scared by my dark side. At first because I didn't understand it, and then because I let it get out of balance until I couldn't see anything else. I now treasure my dark side; it provides the balance I need for how I am 90% of the time.

Now, for those of you who don't know, I have a certain special boy in my life right now. He's pretty awesome, whatever, but the reason I bring him up is that he has seen part of my dark side and not only accepts it, but understands it. Like, isn't scared by it.
At least, he wasn't until a couple nights ago.

I admit, I let it go too far. When you get two actors together, and then let the fantasy world take over, it can get intense. That's as much as I'll say about what happened, but suffice to say it shook us both up.

However, I got over it a little quicker than he did.

My dark side is my friend. I understand it, and I understand how to handle it. I have learned that it is a part of me, that it is something I should embrace and not be scared of.
But that is not the case for everyone.

Some people never address their dark side. My mother is the sanest person I have ever known. I know somewhere, she must have a dark side, and I've always wondered what I would find there if I ever asked, and if she ever felt comfortable enough to tell me. But part of me suspects that she doesn't even know what her dark side entails. And I guess that must be true for many many people.

I have learned to deal with my dark side in a way that does not harm myself or others. I think it one of the more interesting things about me. The reason I'm so OK with it is that I know my dark side does not define me. It is only part of who I am as a person.
And who I am as a whole is a pretty awesome gal.

Explore your dark side. It does not define you. But it may give you insight. Just a thought.