1 Step Forward, 3 Steps Back

I know my last post was about something really nice and good. And something really nice and good did happen, and it still means a lot.

But at a price, apparently.

Bad things come in 3s. I know this. I mean, as a Jew, I should already know that bad things are just going to happen regardless of anything we do to try and stop them. Such is life (sigh).
But it seems sometimes that when shit goes down in my life, it always is right on the heels of something good. Like, I'm only allowed a certain amount of enjoyment from the good things until the shitstorm starts and I have to dive for cover.

I know, I know, privileged little white girl whining alert. Just give me a second, I have real problems too, you know.

I was in the hospital Friday night. Because I was in massive pain. Wait, backtrack, because I had been alone in my apartment with massive pain all day until boy came to my rescue and whisked me off the the ER. A little morphine, a CAT scan, and 8 hours later, back to my place to wallow and sleep it off.

When I called my mom Saturday to tell her what happened, she informed me that my grandfather (not the one who had the stroke, the other one) has stopped eating and is not expected to make it to Thanksgiving. I realize this is not a bad thing happening specifically to me, and I can't imagine the pain my grandmother is going through, but I do love my grandfather and I have never lost a grandparent before. I knew it was only a matter of time, (like everything else) but I still thought I would get to see him one more time. It turns out this is now not the case.

And just to put a capper on the weekend, boy and I decided not to talk for a week.

Only a week ago I was thrilled to have done some meaningful work and gotten amazing feedback. One week. And now it seems like everything is backwards.

Is it my fault? Is it karma? Maybe I don't deserve to be happy for too long. Or at least someone up there seems to think so.

It sort of leaves me thinking... What did I do wrong?

Just Called to Say

I did it again, didn't I? I neglected my faithful readers and the devastation is... it's just...

"Everyone watch out, Rachel needs some attention and is being dramatic!" - my darling sister

This entry is going to be a little different than the usual tone of my blog. I don't really have a problem I need to sort out (at least nothing that I feel comfortable writing about on here), or a specific point I want to allude to, segue from, then drive home with witty nonsense.

Simply, something really nice happened. And I'd like to write about it, so I can always remember it.

I recently was cast in and finished shooting my first (!) feature film. Due to real and imagined legal reasons, I can't give specific details, but no worries fair readers, as soon as I am able to, I will be selling the hell out of it.
Especially since the director promised me one of those "and introducing..." credits. I always wanted one of those!

Anyway, back to my non-point, I spent a couple weeks filming with a great crew, a smart and communicative director, and my best friend. The fact that I spent Tuesday mostly naked surrounded by men in front of a camera is just another feather in the hat of 'is this really my life?'.
And before you ask, no. It was NOT a porno. If it was porn, I would have gotten paid. True story.

Most of my scenes involved little to no dialogue, but lots of emotion and intensity. Fortunately, the only character I had any scenes with was played by my bestie MJ.
We have a long history, MJ and I. Besides the many adventures of our colorful friendship, we have done many many scenes together, and maybe because we click so well as friends we click amazingly well onstage and screen. We trust each other, and are not intimidated by the others talent. Sort of a dream team, if you will.

While filming, I had that great sense of being lost in a scene. Granted, MJ does not like to stick to scripts, so I had to constantly be on my toes, but it was exhilarating. Truly, when I'm working on a great quality project, there is nothing else I'd rather be doing.
But what you feel is not always what comes across, especially on camera. That little lens captures every detail of your face, and something as small as the tilt of your head can convey and entirely different mood than you intended. Well hey, I figured, if it wasn't what he wanted, the director would have us fix it. You just have to trust.

So come the day after filming, I get a call from my director while at work. I can't pick up right away, but the first chance I get I sneak away to listen to the voice mail he left me.

And within minutes, my day was made.

He had been looking at my scenes in post, and felt the need to call and tell me that... he loved my work. Apparently for each scene I had not only done exactly what he wanted, but had far exceeded his expectations. He then went on to encourage me to never ever give up acting, that I was very talented and that he thought I would go very far.

Give that a second to sink in. Wow.

And that was it. No other reason for the call.

Now, this did not surprise my mother, but it shocked the hell out of me. It's been so long since someone has professionally encouraged me. Someone I have no personal attachment to, who has nothing to gain from flattery. I'm not saying I'm not grateful for the support of family, friends, and boy (in fact I couldn't keep going without them), but this is coming from an entirely different source.

And man, it feels great.

I guess that's what keeps us actors going. For 99% of us, being an actor is a shit life. Unemployment, rejection, frustration, lack of inspiration threaten us every day. Sometimes we can get to wondering why we try over and over again.

But when a moment like that comes, we learn why all over again.