Give it Out, It Comes Back

I woke up this morning (ok afternoon, give me a break) to a grey, rainy, blustery day. Outside my window, trees are barely holding on to their last few brown, brittle leaves, damp debris is swirling down the street, and everyone is covered in dark clothing, bent over against the elements. Inside my apartment, it's an endless mess from my move-in and the doorknob has fallen out of my door. There's really no immediate reason or inspiration for joy or giddiness; no reason for a lifting of the spirits at all and yet...

I woke up with a smile on my face.

Ok, maybe it was because of the adorable dog wriggling on my pillow and the prospect of a perfectly toasted bagel, but I was also smiling when I came home last night. And I think it's all for the same reason I'm seriously considering going to a volunteer program in Africa for a couple of months after graduation.
Yesterday was not about me.

I went to lunch with a friend from LA who is starting to have a lot of success in the acting world; who, like many other people I know, did not discover acting until a relatively short time ago. I was so happy for his success, and we spent quite a while talking about how to work out a character's psychology, and why it is so important.
I have thought these things out over and over again through the years, but sharing what I've learned helps bring new life to it. Not to mention getting to watch the "lightbulb ON" moment cross someone's face in response to some advice you happened to give. It kind of makes all the shit you go through worth it, if you can take what you've learned from all that and help someone else. It's why I do theatre.

But moving on, later I spent an evening with a friend who needed distracting from a family situation. We drowned our sorrows in the most amazing organic baked goods (try the pretzel croissant from the green bakery on Ave A, it's to die for) and people watching in the LES.
My roomate also happened to be performing some of her original songs in a little bar as part of the Folk Yeah! music show. So, excited at the prospect of free music and pizza with cheap beer, we went and supported original artists. And then, just for kicks, I gave a free waltz lesson.

Now, I will not for a moment say that all this was entirely unselfish. I had so much fun, and now have a new favorite song stuck in my head, but the intention was truly to help and support other people. The fact that it came back to me and gave me the warm fuzzies was a happy by-product.

So, this weekend, instead of moping around feeling isolated because I'm no longer in the showcase, I'm going to make a picture slideshow that everyone can have for years to come. I am still a part of this class, and will contribute something. And I know it will take a while, but it will stand out for even longer.

Karma can be a bitch, but not always. It can be your best friend.

Check out Lonna Marie at http://www.youtube.com/user/LonnaMarie
Become a fan on facebook, etc. She's awesome. Seriously. She won an award and everything.
My favorite song is I Love the Enemy.

I'll B There 4 U

Ok ok, normally I would rather clean up an elephant cage than use such bad spelling and abbreviations, but if that Friends theme song had been written in the last 8 years, you know that is how they would have spelled it. For some reason, it is now acceptable to settle for less when it comes to song lyrics and titles (just look at the top 10 at any given time and you will know exactly what I am talking about, the whatchas and gottas and using number for words is enough to make any lover of the English language cringe). But the sad thing is, lately, I have been getting the feeling that it is acceptable to settle for less when it comes to friendship as well.

Of course, deceit has been the code of the upper class and petty since the days of Elizabeth, from Anne Boleyn all the way to Serena Van Der Woodsen. That's what makes them so fascinating. the endless scandals and betrayals these girls allow themselves to get into is exciting and makes us feel a little superior, that we would NEVER do this to our friends.

But sometimes, even more detrimental than a huge betrayal, it's the little things.

Just as in any relationship, the little things remind the other person they matter to you are usually a big indicator of the overall commitment. With friends, it's a little harder, because friendship doesn't usually end in a clean break-up, it fades out because friends forget to do these things, especially when living far away.
I have been lucky. Because of this age we live in, I have been able to stay in contact with the people from high school that have really mattered to me. We almost never see each other, but we call and send texts and facebook thingies, and we remind each other that we are there.

Friends I've made since then have been a little different.
I'm graduating in 2 weeks, and have serious doubts that I will stay in contact with more than 3 or 4 people for the first year out, maybe even none once a year has passed. New York is an easy place to feel isolated and lonely in, and every person needs a circle of people they trust. I know I have difficulties reaching out in times of need, but it's easy to text someone if you're going out with a big group, or to just let someone know you're there, or to show up to a party you're invited to. My so-called "best friend" hasn't even bothered to talk to me for 2 weeks now, and chances are we won't speak till graduation, and then never again.

I think this is why it's easier to open up to a relative stranger than friends. Maybe it is the anonymity of it, but there is also the hope that this person could be a true friend, that will be there, that you can be there for, that will help you grow as a human being, that will just shut up and listen without judgement.

Because, when you get right down to it, that's really what we all want.

Don't forget your friends. Don't let them slip by the wayside. If you feel something is wrong, reach out.

Like anything else, it's the little things.

The Doors go Open and Shut

Tonight is opening night for Trojan Women. Last night was dress rehearsal, it went relatively well, but the major note from our director was that we had let the play become safe. The energy was at about 80%, and we had to stay after the run to go over a couple of scenes and make sure we remembered the stakes and make them dangerous again.

How odd that the both my life and the play were in a safe place. And just like our director made us shake up the play, my demons shook up the safe place I had reached at school.

I won't bore you here, but long story short, I retreated into my shell again, and now the showcase is at risk. I shut my door to the world, and by the time I opened it up again, my future is once again in jeopardy.

I screw things up like Forrest Gump meets presidents.

I used to love looking in the mirror. Not necessarily out of vanity, but just because it was fun, it was another person for me to interact with (keep in mind I was 5 at the time). It got to the point where in class the teacher would need to turn the mirror towards the wall so I would pay attention.
I still look in the mirror, but the joy has gone out of it. I look in the mirror to judge and criticize, and where I once recognized myself as a friend I now see an enemy.

I am a series of contradictions. And no, I am not quoting some cliche facebook bumper sticker, it is true. I crave human contact, but shut people out. I love theatre, but keep screwing up my chances to be succesful. I am a control freak, but my room is a mess. I want to change, but I fall into patterns.

Tonight is opening night. And tonight I will find out whether I am going to get away with the latest Rachel-esque-capade. Tonight I must find a way to open my heart to a play, even though I have closed it to others. And tonight I would just like to say again...

I'm sorry.