With a Stick

I feel weird.

I feel really weird.

I feel really weird right now.

And I don't think I should.

I just got back from a fundraiser for a new webseries that I (hopefully) will be a part of. A good old fashioned roof party, with cheap drink specials, a DJ, and of course, bitchy landlords that call security and totally try to kill your party buzz. I wasn't drinking, but I was feeling pretty good.

And I think that's where the trouble started.

Before I went to the party, I tried on a dress that has not fit me in 3 years. Many girls who have weight loss goals will tell you: When you try on an item that you have kept around hoping it will fit again one day, and then one day it fastens just like it used to... One of the best feelings in the world. It makes you feel powerful that you have reached a goal. It makes you feel sexy that you look better. It's an immense feeling of satisfaction, and more importantly, hope.

And once the clothes look good, you have to make sure everything else is up to par. So, I let my hair go wild, carefully applied my makeup, unbuttoned one button more than absolutely necessary, and slipped on vintage shoes that never fail to get comments. (They are two different colors. It makes sense when you see them. Really.)

Needless to say, I was feeling very good by the time I walked out the door.

When I got to the party, I didn't think I would be able to convince boy to come all the way out to the alien Brooklyn, but boy did I try. And it actually worked!

But before he arrived, there had been a group of guys staring at me. Not talking. Not even trying to be subtle. Just staring. It made me very uncomfortable, but I was with friends, so I didn't let it bother me.

Fast forward a bit, he came, spent some time, then left so as not to be brain-dead for the dreaded brunch shift... and that's when the trouble started.

I'm not saying this to toot my own horn. I'm certainly not bragging, as this is nothing to be proud of. But for the rest of the night, one by one, I was very clearly hit on by about 5 different guys.

In a way, it was fascinating. Everyone had a different technique, from the blatant "Are you interested?" to the oh-so-subtle "Can I have a glass of water?" and everything in between. At one point in the night, I got a little fed up and decided to fuck with this one guy and told him that I used to be an actress, but it wasn't going so well so I became high class "escort".

Oh yeah. Escort. A high-class (read:expensive) lady of the eve, if you will.

He totally bought it too, but I was silly to think that might dissuade him. He asked for my number so he could 'make an appointment' the next time he was in NY. Thinking quickly, I told him he needed to give me a number where I could reach him. Tricky, huh? Hey, a girl needs to cover her ass in this business...

Anyway, back to reality.

I know I'm a friendly person. And I know this can be translated to flirting under certain social circumstances, but jeez, give a girl a break. I have to imagine that it wasn't all out of my control, but I honestly don't know what was so different about my vibe last night that everyone took it as an open season call.

Or do I?

I know it's a huge cliche that how other people will see you depends on how you see yourself, but I've never seen such a marked difference. Since I lost weight, I've definitely been feeling better about my body and want to show it off more (always in a classy way of course). And last night I was feeling exceptionally hot and, more importantly, confident as hell. Whether I wanted it to or not, it shined out of me.

And damn if it isn't the one non verbal thing men actually pick up on.

Scoff though you may, I'm not used to being hit on that much. Every girl has a certain screen or some other way they deal with the occasional overly flirtacious guy, but I felt like I had to be on guard and defend myself all night with witty repartee and not-so-gentle ribbing.

Or maybe just beat them off with a stick.

Mastering the Cleanse, Part 2

Well ladies and germs, believe it or not, (I certainly don't) guess what...

I DID IT!!!!!!

Yes, you heard right, I did it! I am now at the tail end of my 7th day on the Master Cleanse (for info check out previous blog), sipping my last mug of senna tea, completely ready for that amazing taste of apple juice at tomorrow morning's first light.

Yes, I do still have the 3 day ease-out process to get through before resuming somewhat regular eating habits. During the cleanse, your body goes into starvation mode, and metabolism drops way way down. So, to not overdo it on your system/tummy, it's necessary to slowly reintroduce easy-to-digest foods. The first day is apple or orange juice combined with water, second day is vegetable broth and rice crackers, third day is cooked veggies and fruit, and most recommend probiotic yogurt to replace all the bacteria that has been flushed out of your system.

But enough about what I'm going to eat. Lord knows I've thought about that enough in the last few days. Let's have an overview of my reactions.

I left you, good and kind people of the interwebs, on Day 4. Day 5 was very similar to Day 4, maybe a slight increase in energy, but still going strong, cravings not driving me crazy, so on, blah blah. I thought it was going to be an easy slide home.

Hah. So I thought.

Come Day 6, and for some reason I wake up on the wrong side of the bed. Yes, I did wake up late, but I was alerted to the fact that I wasn't needed at work for an extra hour, which usually makes me perk up.

Not this time.

From the minute I got to work, it was apparent to me that not only was everyone I served incredibly stupid, with almost no sense of social courtesy and a complete lack of reading comprehension skills, but also was there for the sole purpose of pissing me off as much as humanely possible.

The longer the day wore on, the more easily irritated I was with everyone, customers and staff alike. Now, I'm usually a chipper little chipmunk (there are fairy wings on the walls after all), but by noon the entire staff knew to just make a wide berth around me. And then the oddest thing happened: I started crying. Actually. Fucking. Crying.

And you want to know why? Because I saw another waitress, who happens to be incredibly short and petite, wearing the cutest little white short shorts, and thought to myself "It doesn't matter, I'm never going to look like THAT."

Yeah, don't worry, I don't know what I was thinking either. I don't want to look like anyone else. I want to look like ME, just a healthy, fit version of me. But for some reason, I was fed up with everything and it was just the mental straw that broke me.

I left early from work and put on a big smile to spend the evening at a comedy show with the boy and his sweet-as-sugar mom, but then had to have yet another cry before bed. This wasn't even about something specific, just the things that I always have to worry about. We all have them... right? Right? Yeah, you know you do.

Fortunately, once I got it out, I was able to enjoy the rest of my night in, and woke up this morning with one triumphant thought: THE LAST DAY

And for some odd reason, this turned out to be one of those "best day EVAR!!!"s.

I went to meet a friend for lunch, and of course, took a sip of my evil concoction every time I felt like reaching out and snatching a bite of his perfectly-cooked bacon. One of the waitresses stopped to ask me about it, and ended up being inspired to try it herself. Then, a walk around the Union Square Market, where I, on a whim, bought potted rosemary, dill, and basil, which are now resting in soil in my backyard. Time will tell if they actually survive (I had to plant them with a spoon because I didn't have a shovel), but at least I can cross 'plant my own fresh herbs' off my bucket list. Then, while walking around the market, I discovered a loophole in the Cleanse. Pure, organic, grade-B maple.... CANDY.

I jumped 3 feet straight up in the air as soon as I made the connection in my brain. If I'm allowed to drink maple syrup, then OF COURSE I'm allowed to have one little piece of pure maple candy! The joy I felt at putting the first solid food in my mouth in 7 days, and knowing it wasn't even cheating is... is... I can't describe it. I'll tear up again.

But true to my word, I only got one small piece, and nibbled it bit by bit for 10 minutes until it all dissolved to mapley goodness on my tongue.

And, to top off this lovely, lightened, hopeful day, I got chatted up by none other than a male model on the subway ride home who asked for my number.

Admit it, ladies, things like that put a swing in your step, eh?

To conclude this off the wall experiment: I accomplished a goal that I previously thought was next to impossible. I have purged out a lot of my physical as well as emotional toxins. I now feel in control of my food urges. I have lost a total of 8 lbs. I feel happy, and hopeful that I can keep my body in a healthy routine.

And I've never been so excited to eat veggies in my life.

Whether I've made a believer out of you or not, the bottom line is: If you're in good health, a week without food won't kill you. And I always advocate shaking up your routine, whatever it is. I just want to continue to learn and grow as a person.

Doesn't everyone?

Mastering the Cleanse, Part 1

I know what you're going to say. No, really, I do. You're going to tell me it's ridiculous. You're going to tell me it's unhealthy. You're going to tell me I'm crazy for attempting it.

And you may be right on any of those points. Definitely at least one...

But despite your rampant naysaying and protests, I am still determined to see this through.

I am talking, of course, about the famous, but more importantly infamous, MASTER CLEANSE. (Cue dramatic music)

Now, for those of you who have never heard of this highly controversial process, I'll give a quick overview:

The Master Cleanse, also known as the Lemonade Diet, was created by Stanley Burroughs in the 1940s, and was reintroduced/promoted by Peter Glickman in the 1990's as a way to thoroughly detoxify your body and give it a break from the taxing process of digestion.

It's basically a liquid diet that consists of fresh lemon juice, grade B maple syrup, and cayenne pepper (all organic, of course) mixed with filtered water, supplemented by either a laxative tea or salt water flush to, ahem, help expel waste without solid matter to push things along. It is usually followed for 10 days, but some have taken it to as many as 40 days.

Supposedly, the lemon juice provides your body with vitamins, as well as helping to clean out mucus and other things too gross to mention that lurk inside your intestines. The cayenne pepper also helps wave bye-bye to mucus, as well as being a highly detoxifying agent. The water is to keep you hydrated, and the maple syrup? Well, your body needs some calories to run on, and without it, the concoction would probably be close to undrinkable.

It has been glorified as a miracle detoxification process, and damned as a starvation-themed weight-loss trick, and everything in between. Research is unreliable at best, and even though some people swear by it, studies show that some people are out of their fuckin minds, not in relation to this cleanse.

So, why do it?

I don't know if I've stressed this enough in previous blogs or conversations, but I LOVE food. I have never been one of those people that views food as necessary fuel that my body needs to function throughout the day. I view food as one of the most pleasurable things I'm expected to do every day. I think about food, I look forward to meals, and when I'm bored, you can probably find me reading through recipes online or watching the best food porn ever, Iron Chef.

Being able to eat not only to survive, but to enjoy ourselves, is a privilege that should not be taken lightly. We are the only species on the planet that has, as a regular rule, been able to use taste to determine not what is edible, but what is delicious.

Pretty damn lucky, I think.

But this has a downside. I tend to indulge my taste buds way too much. I eat what I feel like eating, not what I necessarily should be eating. We are all guilty of this from time to time, but I seem to have a hard time controlling it.

I want to change my relationship to food. I want to change my habits when it comes to food. And changing habits, not to mention any relationships, takes work.

So, I committed myself to this seemingly fanatical process for a week. I would have set an original goal of the normal 10 days, but when you work as a waitress 8 days in a row, a spoonful of sugar, maple or otherwise, won't get you too far.

If nothing else, I figured it would definitely A: break whatever eating habits I've accumulated over the last 23 years, and B: flush out some of the bad and start with a clean slate.

This is my status report so far: I am finishing Day 4. I tried this once before about 3 years ago, and broke on Day 3, so already I beat my old record.

The first 2 days were definitely the worst in terms of cravings. My brain was used to reaching for whatever was available, and without that crutch, it became obsessed with sustenance. Every bit of food that I saw, smelled, or even thought about drove me up the wall with wanting. I'll be frank, it's a good thing the boy was around to distract me in moments of weakness. Plus, kisses always help as a positive reinforcement tool.

By Day 3, the cravings had incredibly subsided. I was expecting severe headaches, backaches, and many other symptoms that people have reported, all thought to be due to the detoxification process. I had none. A little dizziness in the morning before I had my first serving, but other than that, nothing.

Today I worked in my restaurant for the first time since starting the Cleanse. Not nearly as bad as I thought I would be. It's interesting and almost disturbing how easily my body has adjusted to not expecting food. But the amazing difference I noticed was not the existence of cravings, but what I was craving.

I work in a place that has fresh baked goods made every day. Scones, cookies, cakes, you name it, it's fresh out of the oven in front of me. And usually, I can't help but take a bite (or 5...) of something sweet and delicious. But over the course of my shift, I was giving barely a glance to the warm chocolate-butterscotch-chip cookies, and found myself salivating over the... beet salad.

This is the biggest signal I have seen so far that my body is getting back in balance. The fact that it's craving what it's actual nutritional needs are rather than the forbidden taste simply because of the fact that it's bad is a new, welcome sensation to me.

Side note: Another new sensation is an extremely heightened sense of smell. Sort of feeling like a Superhero? Never a bad thing.

So, I don't know if I'm a full believer yet, but I do know I'm tempted to go the full 10 days despite my workload. I will blog again about my results at the end, but till then, I remain faithfully yours, the Detox Overlord.