The Doors go Open and Shut

Tonight is opening night for Trojan Women. Last night was dress rehearsal, it went relatively well, but the major note from our director was that we had let the play become safe. The energy was at about 80%, and we had to stay after the run to go over a couple of scenes and make sure we remembered the stakes and make them dangerous again.

How odd that the both my life and the play were in a safe place. And just like our director made us shake up the play, my demons shook up the safe place I had reached at school.

I won't bore you here, but long story short, I retreated into my shell again, and now the showcase is at risk. I shut my door to the world, and by the time I opened it up again, my future is once again in jeopardy.

I screw things up like Forrest Gump meets presidents.

I used to love looking in the mirror. Not necessarily out of vanity, but just because it was fun, it was another person for me to interact with (keep in mind I was 5 at the time). It got to the point where in class the teacher would need to turn the mirror towards the wall so I would pay attention.
I still look in the mirror, but the joy has gone out of it. I look in the mirror to judge and criticize, and where I once recognized myself as a friend I now see an enemy.

I am a series of contradictions. And no, I am not quoting some cliche facebook bumper sticker, it is true. I crave human contact, but shut people out. I love theatre, but keep screwing up my chances to be succesful. I am a control freak, but my room is a mess. I want to change, but I fall into patterns.

Tonight is opening night. And tonight I will find out whether I am going to get away with the latest Rachel-esque-capade. Tonight I must find a way to open my heart to a play, even though I have closed it to others. And tonight I would just like to say again...

I'm sorry.