Mastering the Cleanse, Part 1

I know what you're going to say. No, really, I do. You're going to tell me it's ridiculous. You're going to tell me it's unhealthy. You're going to tell me I'm crazy for attempting it.

And you may be right on any of those points. Definitely at least one...

But despite your rampant naysaying and protests, I am still determined to see this through.

I am talking, of course, about the famous, but more importantly infamous, MASTER CLEANSE. (Cue dramatic music)

Now, for those of you who have never heard of this highly controversial process, I'll give a quick overview:

The Master Cleanse, also known as the Lemonade Diet, was created by Stanley Burroughs in the 1940s, and was reintroduced/promoted by Peter Glickman in the 1990's as a way to thoroughly detoxify your body and give it a break from the taxing process of digestion.

It's basically a liquid diet that consists of fresh lemon juice, grade B maple syrup, and cayenne pepper (all organic, of course) mixed with filtered water, supplemented by either a laxative tea or salt water flush to, ahem, help expel waste without solid matter to push things along. It is usually followed for 10 days, but some have taken it to as many as 40 days.

Supposedly, the lemon juice provides your body with vitamins, as well as helping to clean out mucus and other things too gross to mention that lurk inside your intestines. The cayenne pepper also helps wave bye-bye to mucus, as well as being a highly detoxifying agent. The water is to keep you hydrated, and the maple syrup? Well, your body needs some calories to run on, and without it, the concoction would probably be close to undrinkable.

It has been glorified as a miracle detoxification process, and damned as a starvation-themed weight-loss trick, and everything in between. Research is unreliable at best, and even though some people swear by it, studies show that some people are out of their fuckin minds, not in relation to this cleanse.

So, why do it?

I don't know if I've stressed this enough in previous blogs or conversations, but I LOVE food. I have never been one of those people that views food as necessary fuel that my body needs to function throughout the day. I view food as one of the most pleasurable things I'm expected to do every day. I think about food, I look forward to meals, and when I'm bored, you can probably find me reading through recipes online or watching the best food porn ever, Iron Chef.

Being able to eat not only to survive, but to enjoy ourselves, is a privilege that should not be taken lightly. We are the only species on the planet that has, as a regular rule, been able to use taste to determine not what is edible, but what is delicious.

Pretty damn lucky, I think.

But this has a downside. I tend to indulge my taste buds way too much. I eat what I feel like eating, not what I necessarily should be eating. We are all guilty of this from time to time, but I seem to have a hard time controlling it.

I want to change my relationship to food. I want to change my habits when it comes to food. And changing habits, not to mention any relationships, takes work.

So, I committed myself to this seemingly fanatical process for a week. I would have set an original goal of the normal 10 days, but when you work as a waitress 8 days in a row, a spoonful of sugar, maple or otherwise, won't get you too far.

If nothing else, I figured it would definitely A: break whatever eating habits I've accumulated over the last 23 years, and B: flush out some of the bad and start with a clean slate.

This is my status report so far: I am finishing Day 4. I tried this once before about 3 years ago, and broke on Day 3, so already I beat my old record.

The first 2 days were definitely the worst in terms of cravings. My brain was used to reaching for whatever was available, and without that crutch, it became obsessed with sustenance. Every bit of food that I saw, smelled, or even thought about drove me up the wall with wanting. I'll be frank, it's a good thing the boy was around to distract me in moments of weakness. Plus, kisses always help as a positive reinforcement tool.

By Day 3, the cravings had incredibly subsided. I was expecting severe headaches, backaches, and many other symptoms that people have reported, all thought to be due to the detoxification process. I had none. A little dizziness in the morning before I had my first serving, but other than that, nothing.

Today I worked in my restaurant for the first time since starting the Cleanse. Not nearly as bad as I thought I would be. It's interesting and almost disturbing how easily my body has adjusted to not expecting food. But the amazing difference I noticed was not the existence of cravings, but what I was craving.

I work in a place that has fresh baked goods made every day. Scones, cookies, cakes, you name it, it's fresh out of the oven in front of me. And usually, I can't help but take a bite (or 5...) of something sweet and delicious. But over the course of my shift, I was giving barely a glance to the warm chocolate-butterscotch-chip cookies, and found myself salivating over the... beet salad.

This is the biggest signal I have seen so far that my body is getting back in balance. The fact that it's craving what it's actual nutritional needs are rather than the forbidden taste simply because of the fact that it's bad is a new, welcome sensation to me.

Side note: Another new sensation is an extremely heightened sense of smell. Sort of feeling like a Superhero? Never a bad thing.

So, I don't know if I'm a full believer yet, but I do know I'm tempted to go the full 10 days despite my workload. I will blog again about my results at the end, but till then, I remain faithfully yours, the Detox Overlord.